Of Toilet Paper and Vitamin Water
by Michelle Pruitt
Summary: What happens when Hermione's obsession with Vitamin Water and fear of toilet paper collides with Draco's determination to help her overcome said fear? Either absolute chaos, hilarious stories, or epic romances. Or all three. You decide. HG/DM, RW/PP


A/N: Hello all! I know I have been away forever, but I'm working on a Fred Hermione fic that should be done within a few months. I did this one-shot for a fic exchange about a year ago and never got around to posting it, so here it is! The requirements were:

Must involve Vitamin Water

Must involve Toilet Paper

Must have rain

Must have fleece blankets

Must involve coffee

This fic is much more lighthearted than my previous work, so just be warned. It can get a bit corny at times! Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Twilight or Vitamin Water or Lassie or Nascar or any other obscure reference I make in this fic….

Of Toilet Paper and Vitamin Water

Anyone who knew Hermione Granger would, without a doubt, claim that she was fearless. She'd faced terrors that they could only imagine. She'd helped defeat Voldemort. She'd tamed Draco Malfoy into a relatively decent human being. She'd survived one of Parvati and Lavender's intense makeovers, something that would make most girls cringe in fear.

To the rest of the world, Hermione Granger was, indeed, fearless.

"So, Miss Granger, what sort of vile evil keeps the Gryffindor princess awake at night?" Malfoy asked around a bite of pumpkin pie, still managing to smirk at her despite the fact that he was eating.

"Come on, Malfoy. Just because you sit at our table now doesn't mean we divulge all our innermost secrets to you." Harry said with a slight roll of the eyes.

"Well, we all know Ron's greatest fear is spiders." Ron shivered slightly at the mention of the creepy insects. "Harry's greatest fear is probably something angsty, like his own dark soul. It's only natural for you to add yours to the mix, Hermione."

Hermione sighed. "But it's stupid, you'll all make fun of me."

"But you make fun of me all the time!" Ron added indignantly.

"You have to promise you won't tell anyone." Hermione lowered her voice, and the three boys leaned closer to hear her better.

"Right, right. We're your best mates, we won't tell a soul." Ron said anxiously, excited about hearing all about one of the few fears of Hermione Granger.

"Okay. I'm afraid… of going to the bathroom, and running out of toilet paper."

"Silence" didn't even begin to describe the awkward atmosphere. The three boys looked around at each other incredulously, trying to decide if she was being serious or not. Hermione immediately dropped her head into her hands, her face turning crimson from shame.

"Are you serious, Hermione?" Harry asked the question that was on everyone's minds.

"Yes." It was a bit muffled, but the meaning reached their ears nonetheless.

Draco exploded in merciless laughter. "What? Hermione, afraid of running out of toilet paper?"

Hermione frantically tried to shush Draco. Several heads at the Gryffindor table turned to look in their direction, curious about the noise from Draco's laughter. She hit him in the arm, finally ending his epic laughing experience.

"Wait, so you're not actually afraid of anything really scary, like werewolves or vampires?" Ron asked, refusing to believe it.

Hermione looked slightly offended. "Remus Lupin is a very nice man, and Edward Cullen gives all vampires a great name!" She said, a tinge of wistfulness entering her voice.

Harry just rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, "Gryffindor courage at it's finest."

"Funny, I'd think you'd be afraid of getting sick or something." Malfoy observed.

"Why's that?" Hermione asked curiously.

"You drink that odd, colored medicine juice all the time," Draco motioned toward the bright liquid.

"It's not 'medicine juice,' Draco, it's Vitamin Water! And it's good for you!" Hermione clutched her plastic bottle close to her, almost like she was afraid Draco had hurt its feelings.

"Anything made by muggles is poisonous. Look at fast food, for example…" Draco's eyes filled with nightmares of greasy cheeseburgers and undercooked fries. He shuddered at the thought of such an atrocity entering his perfect pureblood body.

"Look, it's got 100% vitamin C, 20% vitamin B3, 20% vitamin B6, 20%..." Hermione started down the immensely long list of obscure vitamins.

"How long do you think this'll go on?" Ron asked, quietly so that Hermione wouldn't hear.

"I hear those things are loaded. This could take forever." Harry hung his head in his hands.

"Hey, guys, follow me," Draco motioned suddenly to both Harry and Ron. Harry and Ron glanced at each other with confusion, then, satisfied that neither one knew what was going on, they followed the Slytherin.

Draco exited the hall, glancing around the corner to make sure that Hermione was still engrossed with the colorful medicine juice label. He turned to Harry and Ron, a serious expression on his face.

"Listen, guys, you've got to help me out," Draco pleaded most uncharacteristically.

"Why should we help you?" Ron spat, even though they were past spitting insults and threats at each other. Some habits were just impossible to snuff out.

"Because I helped you get with Pansy, you should help me get with my girl," Draco pointed out.

"Fair enough, I suppose," Ron pouted, knowing that he had lost.

"What's your plan?" Harry asked anxiously like a soldier hiding in a deadly battlefield.

"Operation 'Save Hermione from the Toilet Paper Demon'!"Draco said, silently wishing that there was some sort of fanfare to accompany the glorious declaration.

Harry and Ron were slightly taken aback by the ridiculous title. "And who exactly is this Toilet Paper Demon?" Harry asked.

"Both you and Ron, after you rid the Hogwarts girls' bathrooms of all their toilet paper. Hermione will have to pee, but be confronted by her worst fear. Thus, she will have no choice but to beg to be rescued by her knight in shining armor- me. I will arrive with a glorious roll of toilet paper, save the day, climactic music will play while we kiss, and we'll both ride off into the sunset on my noble steed, living happily ever after. Brilliant, is it not?" Draco looked very proud of himself and his vivid imagery.

Ron and Harry looked at each other uncertainly. "Just don't hold us responsible if Hermione doesn't respond the way you want her to," Ron said. "She's not the type to just fall into some guy's arms just because he's got a roll of toilet paper."

"Sure, whatever. So you'll help me?" Draco brushed off their foreboding thoughts. He was a Malfoy, and was thus incapable of failure.

"Well, we've broken worse rules than this. And I'd love to see how it all works out." Ron admitted with a shrug.

"Great! Harry?" Draco's gaze went from the redhead to the dark-haired boy.

"I think you're crazy, but I have to agree with Ron. I'm in." Harry said with a grin.

"Excellent!" Draco clapped his hands together in glee. "You guys start getting rid of the toilet paper, and I'll make sure Hermione has to pee within the hour."

Ron looked grossed out at the mention of Hermione's digestive tract. "How exactly are you going to do that?"

Draco said with an evil smirk, "Vitamin Water."

Ron laughed heartily and shook his head. "I've got to hand it to you, mate. You thought of everything."

"Naturally." Draco shrugged. "I'll contact you with further updates."

"How?" Harry asked.

"You'll see. Now, get to work, soldiers!" Draco commanded, feeling all too wonderfully like a dictator.

Harry and Ron began the daunting task of ridding Hogwarts of all its toilet paper. Draco snuck back into his seat in the Great Hall just in time to hear the tail end of Hermione's speech. Her eyes had not left the label, indeed she hadn't even noticed that they'd left.

"…and this is essential for good health.!" She finished with a rather violent poke of her finger.

Draco gazed expectantly back at her as she noticed the disappearance of her other two comrades, eyes darting back and forth between Harry and Ron's empty seats. "Where are Ron and Harry?" She asked.

Draco shrugged. "I guess they just don't appreciate vitamins like I do."

"Right, okay…" Hermione said skeptically, a slight grin spreading across her face.

Draco took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves from jumping like they always did when she shot him that gorgeous smile of hers. He had a plan to put into action, there was no time for such futilities as feminine distractions.

"So, Hermione, what would you say is your favorite flavor?"

"Of Vitamin Water?"

"Yes."

Hermione positively gushed. "But there are so many! That's like asking me to choose a favorite book out of all the ones I've ever read. I can't even begin..."

Draco answered, "Well, it just so happens that I am particularly gifted at transfiguring muggle drinks that are awkwardly infused with drugs."

Draco produced a few books from his bag and placed them on the table. Hermione's initial disturbance at the fact that he was transfiguring books (books!!!) vanished once Draco flicked his wand and fifteen bottles of Vitamin Water sat before her. Her eyes gleamed lustfully, absorbing the bright colors and tantalizing nutrition facts labels. So many vitamins, so many flavors, all just waiting to be digested.

"Have at them, Hermione. I just want to know which one's your favorite." Draco spotted her sudden desire for the colorful liquids, and decided it was time to let Hermione's inner beast loose. Luckily, she was so excited about the prospect of so much free Vitamin Water that she didn't stop to question the absurdity of Malfoy conjuring these bottles for her.

Hermione devoured them like a parched desert nomad in a drought season. She was halfway through the peach-mango bottle when she felt her stomach stretch just a tad from all the added liquid. She shrugged it off as nothing- it was worth it for free Vitamin Water, right?

Squeaky, squeaky. Glug, glug, glug. Drink drink drink. Sluuuurp, clang. Hermione opened bottle after bottle, drank them all into oblivion, and then promptly dropped them when she was through. Draco observed her with interest and amusement, relating her vicious consumption to drinking contests at Nascar races.

Hermione kept going strong, right up until the very last drop of acai-blueberry-pomegranate. She let the last bottle clang to the floor, and then the monstrous amount of liquids she'd consumed started to make her feel slightly uncomfortable. It was a lot to drink at one time, that much was true, but she could judge the situation through a few simple calculations. She knew that the human bladder held 600 milliliters of urine, and each Vitamin Water bottle had 591 milliliters, and she'd drunk fifteen of those, so that meant….

Disaster. She had to pee, and she had to pee NOW.

"So? Which one is it?" Draco asked with a slight smirk on his face, as if she knew the level of discomfort she was feeling.

Hermione was suddenly very aware of the fact that the charmed ceiling above her was raining buckets and buckets of water. She crossed her legs tightly under the table.

"Uhm… kiwifruit-strawberry is my favorite, can I go now?" Hermione asked anxiously as she began jumping slightly in her seat.

Draco laughed quietly at the sight. She looked like a three-year-old who never could quite determine if they had to pee or not, and then realized with a shock that they did. It was adorable. "Yes, Hermione, you may go."

Hermione leaped up with the force of a nuclear powered missile and tore to the nearest bathroom.

Malfoy raised his want to his mouth and whispered a spell that would connect him to Potter's wand. They could communicate much like a walkie-talkie. Draco didn't necessarily like muggles, but he had to admit, they did strike it lucky and come up with a really brilliant invention every now and then. In his opinion, walkie-talkies were in the top five.

"Alpha Four, this is Bravo Leader. Fair Maiden is on the hunt. Over."

He heard Potter's voice from the other end. "Malfoy, are code names really necessary?"

"That's 'Bravo Leader' to you! Of course they're necessary, this is a covert operation!" Draco barked back.

"Sure, bravo leader," Harry responded half-heartedly.

"What's your status, Alpha Four?"

"Sitting in the Room of Requirement surrounded by piles and piles of white, fluffy, Cottonelle goodness. Drinking endless pots of coffee." Harry said while glancing around the room and taking in his surroundings. Gathering the toilet paper had been no easy task, and it now surrounded them in epic mountains.

"What's the status of Omega Weasel One?" Draco said, ducking under the table just for the added thrill. A group of passing first years tilted their heads in confusion, wondering what sort of adventure awaited Draco underneath a plain wooden table.

"Omega Weasel One has consumed far too much caffeine and is now gallivanting among said Cottonelle goodness. He thinks that they are rolling green hills and he is Lassie." Harry glanced up from his wand to watch the redhead as he, once again, dove off of a toilet paper mountain and landed with a soft thud in another.

Draco sighed. "So we've already lost Omega Weasel One."

Harry reassured him, "We knew the risks, Bravo Leader. We must continue, or his sacrifice will be in vain."

"Right. Right you are, Alpha Four. Good man, good man. I'm commencing phase two."

"Over and out," Harry answered while closing the connection.

Draco ducked and darted his way to the nearest bathroom, the one he assumed Hermione was in. He felt a slight grin spread over his face as he imagined her thanking her savior over and over, what a hero, Draco, oh, what a hero, come here and let me give you a kiss, thank you so much for the toilet paper….

The toilet paper…..

Oh, wait.

The daydream slammed to a halt like a destructive car crash, with explosive pyrotechnics and all.

He frantically searched his pockets, although he knew that he'd come up with nothing. He'd botched the most important part of the plan.

He tore the wand back out of his pocket and brought back the connection. "Alpha Four, do you read me? We have an emergency!"

Harry responded quickly, getting more into this covert operation by the minute. He darted underneath a pile of toilet paper, just in case he needed cover. "I copy, Bravo Leader. Proceed."

"I need a full roll of Cottonelle goodness, extra soft, double-layered, pronto! Go, soldier, go!" Draco bellowed into his wand, causing more than a few curious glances to turn his way.

"Copy that, Bravo Leader. Over and out." Harry closed the connection and turned around, anxious to close his fingers around a poor, unsuspecting fluffy roll of paper.

"Omega Weasel- I mean, Ron!"

Immediately a zombie held together by nothing but spilt coffee and double-layered toilet paper leaped up from a pile of wreckage. Nothing that used to belong to Ron was visible, enshrouded completely in the mushy paper like a mummy. He turned towards the sound of the voice, and Harry saw a tuft of red hair at the top of his head, identifying him as the lost Omega Weasel One.

"Oh, Ron, what have you done now?" Harry sighed hopelessly.

"The commercial was right, double-layered does absorb the most…" He looked in wonder at the amount of coffee that the toilet paper had soaked. Harry shook his head at the sight. Omega Weasel One, once so glorious, was reduced to such a juvenile form of life.

"Come on, Ron! Hermione needs toilet paper!" Harry bellowed as he picked up a roll and ran out the door.

Ron stumbled after him, dragged down by the added weight of the ten rolls of toilet paper that now found a home on his body. He grabbed the pot of coffee on the way out, sipping the sweet nectar of life as he went.

XXXXXXX

Hermione frantically searched for a bathroom with toilet paper. There had to be one somewhere in a school this size! She knew she couldn't wait much longer, she would explode. Walking was already dreadfully painful, but her bladder demanded that she sprint from bathroom to bathroom. All in all, she looked like a pathetic cheetah with a broken leg that still tried to run with all four. Unbeknownst to her, Draco slid silently behind her, giving updates to Omega Weasel One and Alpha Four every time she changed locations. Finally, she admitted defeat, and closed the door to the prefects' bathroom.

"Fair maiden has chosen her lair. Prefects' bathroom. Over and out." Draco relayed the message to his loyal, albeit caffeine inebriated, soldiers.

Draco waited for a few moments, and then the scream reached his ears.

"Somebody help me!" Her voice was shrill, like a terrified banshee. Draco dramatically kicked open the door and it fell before his breathtaking majesty, dust clouds raising from the slightly dirty floor and framing his glorious form.

"I'll save you, Hermione!" Draco said with all the valor of a true knight.

"Draco, thank goodness. Please, find some toilet paper!" Hermione's voice came from behind a stall to his left. He ran to the front of the stall and then came to a screeching halt, realizing that he had no toilet paper.

"Not to worry, Hermione. Help is on the way!" Draco said, trying to calm his distressed damsel.

"What if there isn't any help? What if there's no toilet paper left in the world?" Hermione's paranoid nature took over in her moments of fright.

"Hermione, there's nothing to worry about," Draco tried to reassure her, even though he knew for a fact that there was plenty to worry about. Harry and Ron were nowhere to be seen, possibly even casualties of war. He couldn't wait any longer, he had to improvise.

He grabbed a nearby towel and tried to transfigure it into a roll of toilet paper, but all he ended up with was a white fleece blanket. He looked at it for a moment before tossing it over the wall of Hermione's stall.

Hermione shrieked as the blanket landed on her unsuspecting head. She clutched it, asking, "Malfoy, what is this?"

"It's the best I can do!" Malfoy threw up his hands in frustration.

"You mean to tell me that you can transfigure fifteen bottles of vitamin water, but you can't conjure a mere roll of toilet paper?" Hermione yelled.

"If you don't like the fleece, then give it back!" Draco said, crossing his arms like a small child.

"No, I like it. I think I'll keep it." Hermione held the blanket closer, seeking comfort in her moment of terror.

Draco sighed and rubbed his temples with his forefinger and thumb. This was not how the plan was supposed to turn out, not at all! She should be snuggling him right now, instead of that stupid blanket. He had to get some toilet paper, but how? Hermione would probably despise him forever if he left her now, in her moment of peril. He had to turn the situation around somehow, he had to make it work for his own advantage.

"Hermione?" Draco asked, much softer this time.

"Yes?" She answered.

"I'm sorry I laughed at you earlier, when you told us what your greatest fear was. That was out of line." He confessed rather awkwardly.

Hermione was silent for a while, and then answered, "It is a silly thing to be afraid of, really."

"But… why does it scare you so much? You've faced much worse." Draco asked, leaning against the side of the stall that Hermione was inside.

"Well, when I was a little girl, I'd have this recurring nightmare… No, it's stupid." Hermione shook her head and held the fleece blanket tighter.

"No, go ahead. The least I can do is listen to your reasons after laughing at you like that." Draco said reassuringly.

Hermione laughed quietly to herself in awe.

"What is it?" Draco asked.

"It's just… I can't believe how much you've changed." Hermione said, a touch of wonder in her voice.

"Me neither, to tell you the truth. But I'm so much happier now than I ever was as a Death Eater."

Hermione hung her head. She knew so little about Draco Malfoy. What kind of past did he have, what kind of people was he forced to grow up with? Had he ever known love? What memories and passion lie just beyond that emotionless mask of his? She was surprised that she was suddenly so hungry to know more about him.

"Anyways, that's beside the point. Back to this dream of yours." Draco turned the conversation away from his awful past.

"Right. Um… promise not to laugh?" Hermione asked uncertainly.

"I promise. Now come on, let's hear it," Draco said slightly impatiently.

Hermione took a deep breath and started her story again. "Well, when I was a little girl, I kept having this nightmare. I'd be in a bathroom of some sort, whether public or private, and I'd always ask for my mommy and daddy to wait for me until I got done. I was so terrified of walking out and them not being there, I had to check every time. Next thing I knew, I looked down, and there'd be no toilet paper left on the roll. I'd scream for my mom and dad, asking them to come and help me, but no help ever came. I kept screaming and screaming, but they'd left me there, all alone, by myself. That's why I'm afraid."

Draco suddenly felt a sympathy for her that he'd never known before. Granger, just like every other human, was afraid of being alone. She was afraid of losing the people she'd come to trust.

Draco smiled a little to himself. They weren't so different after all.

A short silence passed, and Hermione wondered if Draco was going to say anything. She couldn't see him, so part of her thought he might be keeling over in silent laughter. She fiddled with the edge of the blanket, and let her thoughts wander again.

Suddenly, Draco spoke. "I won't go anywhere." Draco said reassuringly.

"What?" Hermione asked, slightly astonished.

"I know what it's like to be alone, and I won't do that to you. No matter how long it takes."

Hermione smiled. "Thank you, Draco."

XXXXXX

"Hurry, Ron, we have to hurry! Hermione needs us!" Harry tried to explain the importance of their mission to a caffeine inebriated Ron, but it was mostly lost upon him.

Ron took another swig of coffee. "Right-o, mate!" He stumbled after Harry, the considerable amount of toilet paper impeding his progress. He looked like a drunken elephant trying to outrun a cheetah, not a pretty sight.

They were close to their destination now, only a minute or so away. Harry's legs burned in protest and his breathing came in short gasps, but still he fought on. He couldn't let Bravo Leader down, they had already come so far! This was war, he couldn't just drop out when he felt tired.

They whizzed around a corner at top speed and Harry screeched to a halt. Snape stood in the middle of the corridor, directly in front of the Great Hall, exactly where they needed to cross. In a flash, Snape turned to look at the disturbance.

"Snape! Execute evasive maneuvers!!" Harry shouted as he and Ron flattened themselves against the nearest wall. Harry couldn't tell if Snape had seen anything, so effective their evasive actions had been.

"A spy of the enemy," Harry spat. "No doubt he's come to thwart our mission."

Ron just sipped his coffee while trying to remain as still as possible, which was no easy feat considering the powerful amount of caffeine pumping through his veins.

"What are we gonna do?" Ron asked.

"Draw away the enemy's eye, make him blind to us." Harry's inner tactician took charge of the dire situation.

"Like with an invisibility cloak?" Ron's eyes widened in excitement, firmly believing that he'd finally gotten the right answer.

"No, Ron. We need a diversion." Harry said blatantly, and very pointedly looked at Ron's toilet paper ensemble.

"Wait, you don't mean me, do you?" Ron asked, a slight fear entering his eyes.

"I know you're scared. But you're a soldier now, Ron. Be brave and do your duty." Harry commanded patriotically.

Ron nodded, bringing himself to his full height. "I can do it!"

"The success of this mission depends on you. Now go, and give them something to talk about for years to come." Harry tried to instill more of Ron's natural Gryffindor courage.

Ron nodded with fierce determination, his eyes burning with fire and his lips set in a grim line. He then leaped out of his hiding place like a beast. He tore down the hallway, laughing maniacally as he went. Snape's greasy head shot up, and his eyes widened in disbelief at the sight before him.

Before Snape even had time to warn anyone else of the toilet paper terror, it had mummified him tightly within its toilet papery clutches. The great and evil Snape, once the fear and terror of all of Hogwarts, lie helpless on the floor completely consumed by Omega Weasel's toilet paper. With all the speed and skill of a ninja, Ron let out an epic war cry, and every eye in the Great Hall filled with surprise at the sight of the horrifying monstrosity in the doorway.

"I am the Toilet Paper Demon, I've come for revenge!" Ron bellowed in his deepest, warrior-like voice.

The students stared back at him with disbelief written all over their features. There was absolutely nothing intimidating about a demon enshrouded in tissue that one wipes their tooshie with, but Ron was determined to change things.

Oh yes, his victims would fear toilet paper for the rest of their lives.

Immediately he started firing off wads of toilet paper like an automatic gun. Some students ducked out of the way, other more unfortunate ones were greeted with coffee-soaked wads in their faces. Ron deflected any and all counterattacks by brandishing his steel, indestructible coffee pot. He hid behind a table in the corner and constructed a toilet paper fortress as his enemies regrouped from the surprise attack.

He saw the enemy marching on his fortress. He was vastly outnumbered, and he knew he'd lost the fight before he'd even started. But he would take down as many as he could with him, and maybe Harry would get his chance. The Slytherins glared at him evilly, their aggression doubled in the wake of his attack. Blaise smirked as he took hold of all the food he could get his hands on to use as weapons. Lavender and Parvati shot daggers at him with their eyes, their brand new outfits ruined from coffee stains. Oh yes, he had invoked their wrath. And now he would have to pay for it.

Their first attack flew through the air- a barrage of used napkins catapulted with spoons of incredible power. They hit the toilet paper fortress and harmlessly bounced off like flies bouncing off of a windshield. Ron smirked- now they would see his true power!

"This fortress will never fall!" Ron bellowed bravely.

Just then an enormous pail of water hit him square in the face. His heart sank- he knew how frighteningly biodegradable his precious toilet paper was, and he knew that in mere moments he would be completely defenseless. He had lost it all, all to a simple pail of water.

Ron peeled the awkward, mushy toilet paper remains from his face. Before him stood none other than Pansy, proudly brandishing a recently emptied pail of water.

"Pansy? You would betray me?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Come on, someone's gotta keep you in line." Pansy pointed out as she offered him her hand.

Ron begrudgingly took her hand, allowing her to pull him up and lead him out of the chattering Great Hall.

"Honestly, I don't even know why I put up with you." Pansy said with an exasperated sigh.

Ron smiled weakly. "Because of my captivating personality, devilishly good looks, and exceptional boyfriend performance?"

Pansy just rolled her eyes again, but Ron could see the outline of a faint smile. "Well, you'll be the talk of Hogwarts for at least a month or two. But that still doesn't explain why you did it." Pansy turned around to face him, looking slightly like an interrogator.

Ron shuffled his feet awkwardly and gripped his coffee pot for moral support. The mission was top secret, he wasn't supposed to reveal it to anyone. However, he knew that Pansy had rather violent powers of persuasion, and he could be facing severe injury if he refused to tell her. He sighed, resigning himself to his fate.

"I'm sorry, Pansy. My mission is top secret." Ron said, trying his best to look brave.

Pansy folded her arms and raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Top secret, you say?"

Ron nodded weakly.

Pansy examined her freshly manicured nails. "You know, I have ways of making you talk."

Ron said, suddenly determined, "I'll never tell!"

Pansy smirked, an evil glint shining in her green eyes. "You asked for it." In a flash she had leaped over to him and was tickling him with unadulterated ferocity. Ron knew the torture would be awful, he knew there was a high price to pay, but never had he experienced something as violent as Pansy's tickling.

"Talk, Weasley!" Pansy barked, although Ron could see that she was smiling, too.

"Never!" Ron defended his soldier's honor valiantly, rolling on the floor and laughing with utmost dignity. As much as Ron hated the torture, he had to hand it to his girlfriend. She knew how to get what she wanted.

Pansy resumed her task with renewed vigor. Ron kicked and wailed under the immense torture, breaking free of his toilet paper bonds. It was too much to take, she was a master of her craft.

"Alright, alright! I'll talk." Ron pleaded surrender as Pansy ceased her merciless tickling. She sat down beside him on the floor, eager to listen.

"So, there was this plan…"

XXXXX

Meanwhile, Draco and Hermione tried to find ways to entertain themselves.

"Favorite food?" Draco asked.

"Macaroni and cheese, hands down."

"Fettuccini Alfredo with a touch of parmesan," Draco said dreamily.

"Favorite memory?" Hermione asked.

"The first time I flew a broom," Draco answered in a heartbeat.

"When I found out I was a witch," Hermione answered quickly as well.

"So, Draco…" Hermione started, trying to gather her courage. "Now that you know my worst fear, I want to know yours."

Even though Hermione couldn't see Draco, she could tell from the suffocating tension in the room that the question made him uncomfortable. There was so much for him to be afraid of, so many things that haunted him when he was alone. Was he ready to share that past, especially with someone who probably wouldn't understand?

Hermione was slightly discouraged by Draco's silence. She knew that it was a lot to ask, so she didn't press the matter when he didn't say anything. She thought he'd completely forgotten the question, but he surprised her and spoke.

"I'm afraid of being alone." Draco said simply.

"Really?" Hermione asked, surprised. She wouldn't have pegged Draco as someone who would need companionship.

"Yes." Draco embellished. "Every time my father would yell at me, my mother would come and comfort me when he was done. Since I knew she'd be there for me afterwards, it made the abuse that much easier to take. But dealing with that alone? That's the stuff that real horror stories are made of."

Hermione remained silent. Her back began to hurt from lack of support and her legs ached to stand up and stretch, but despite all that, she was happy to be here. She had learned something more about him, and was one step closer to scaling the wall that he had placed over his heart.

"Hermione… this might not be the time or place, but… will you go out with me sometime?" Draco asked, wringing his hands in nervousness.

Hermione sat up just a little in surprise. Draco's offer was unexpected, but pleasant nonetheless. A smile spread across her face.

"Yes, Draco. I'd love to."

"No matter what happens with the toilet paper incident?" Draco asked, just in case.

Hermione was slightly confused, but she brushed it off as nothing. "Yeah, sure."

Draco sighed in relief.

Mission accomplished. Well, mostly, anyways. There was still the matter of Hermione not having any toilet paper to take care of.

Ron's war in the Great Hall was more than enough of a distraction for Harry to slip through unnoticed, so he dashed and ducked with the speed of a ninja. He had reached the end, the prefects' bathroom was in sight. He flew towards his destination, his heart pounding with the thrill. He reached for the door, only mere centimeters away.

"Potter." A toilet papered growth that slightly resembled Snape suddenly appeared in the middle of his path, blocking his progress.

Harry let out a yelp that was most uncharacteristic for a hero, and promptly ran the other way.

"Not so fast, Potter. First it's Weasley's little stunt in the Great Hall, and now this? The Headmaster is far too busy these days, I think I will deal with you on my own."

"No!" Harry struggled valiantly, but it was no good. Snape drug him by the ankles, somewhat like a mop. Harry's arms stretched for anything to hold onto, but there was nothing. He fought, but Snape simply jerked Harry a little and he would hit the wall, ending any sort of resistance. A man who could break Omega Weasel's toilet paper bonds was a viciously strong man, indeed.

"Help me! Help me!" Harry cried, although to no avail. With one last desperate surge of energy, he threw the roll of toilet paper against the bathroom door, and it hit with a rather satisfying yet dull thump.

Draco and Hermione immediately sat up straighter in surprise when the roll hit the door. They waited a bit longer for anyone to burst through those bathroom doors, victoriously brandishing the toilet paper. But no one ever came.

Draco cautiously stood up and went to check. "I'll see what's going on out there," He reassured Hermione.

He cracked open the door, checking for immediate signs of danger. He was delighted when he saw the roll of toilet paper at his feet, and greedily snatched it up. It was slightly dented from Potter's throw, but perfectly usable nonetheless. He victoriously returned to the bathroom, completely ignoring the mess of toilet paper outside, remnants of Harry's epic struggle.

"Hermione, guess what!" Draco proclaimed, overly excited in his moment of glory.

"What?" Hermione asked excitedly. Just then Draco threw the roll over the stall, and beautiful white toilet paper rained down on her like manna from heaven.

"Thank you so much!" Hermione exclaimed, clutching the soft paper like she'd just been reunited with a loved one. "What would I do without you?" Hermione asked sarcastically.

"I don't know, but it would be a pretty miserable existence." Draco said over the noise of the flushing toilet. Hermione emerged victoriously, the fluffy fleece blanket that had provided her comfort in her moment of need clutched closely to her.

Hermione and Draco only had a second to enjoy their moment of triumph before Ron and Pansy burst into the room. Both were breathing heavily, like they had either just emerged from an intense snogging session or had run a marathon. Hermione and Draco's heads shot up in surprise. As soon as they took in their frantic appearances, they knew that something was wrong.

"I'm sorry, Draco. I did everything I could," Ron panted as he tried to get the words out.

Draco's eyes widened in fear. He stepped over to the exhausted couple, still trying to get their breath back. "What is it? What happened?" He demanded.

"Snape got Harry. We saw him dragging him down to the dungeons, Harry was screaming the entire way. He's going to be punished." Pansy replied.

Draco turned to Pansy, a fire burning in his eyes. "How do you know all about the plan?" He turned to Weasley. "Omega Weasel, I gave you strict orders to keep this a secret. That does not mean you can tell Pansy!"

Sudden recognition lit up Hermione's eyes. She turned to Draco and asked, "Plan? What are you talking about, Draco?"

Draco awkwardly scratched the back of his head, hoping that her best friend's current state of peril would make Hermione forget her accusations. "Shouldn't we be worried about helping Harry right now?"

Hermione shook her head angrily. "Fine. But don't think that means I'm letting you off the hook- you're filling me in later."

Draco sighed with relief. "Anyways, back to the issue at hand. Why did you tell Pansy, Omega Weasel?"

"But she can help us get Harry back!" Ron argued.

Draco massaged his temples, trying once again to alleviate his stress.

"Ron's right," Hermione piped up. "We should be focused on saving Harry right now."

Draco protested, "But still! You will be reprimanded for your actions, Omega Weasel."

Ron hung his head like a dog who didn't roll over fast enough for his master. He knew he'd be running laps later.

"So what are we gonna do? Every minute we waste is a minute that Harry's being tortured!" Pansy declared.

"She's right. We need to think of something," Hermione furrowed her brow in thought.

"Does anyone have any ideas?" Ron asked.

Draco began, "Well, it would need all of us, but we can do it."

They all nodded their heads in assent, and the rigorous planning began.

XXXXXX

"I told you, you'll never get me to talk!" Harry bellowed, struggling valiantly against the bonds that confined him to his chair.

Snape glared at him, a look that would've made anyone other than the indestructible Harry Potter cringe in fear. "I have ways of making you talk, Potter. Don't make me use them."

Harry tried not to think about what methods of torture Snape employed when he was behind closed doors. He knew, without a doubt, that Snape would do his worst.

"I didn't want to resort to this, but it seems I have no other choice." Snape slithered over to his potions cabinet, selecting a particularly nasty looking potion. It was pitch black, smelled awful, and most likely contained a liquid that caused terrible, horrifying pain.

"Now then, Potter. You will tell me what I need to know, or you will face the wrath of one of my finest potions yet!" Snape said triumphantly.

"No, no! Please, no!" Harry pleaded as the foul liquid was brought closer and closer to his face.

"Talk, Potter! Tell me what I need to know! Who are you working for, who is it?" Snape interrogated.

"No! I'll never tell!" Harry proclaimed bravely, never abandoning his heroic side.

"Then Potter, you have resigned yourself to your fate." Snape said with a violent gleam in his eye.

Suddenly, a loud crashing sound was heard in the hallway and a terrifying screech followed it. Instinctively Snape leaped up to see what the trouble was, anxious to land another unfortunate soul in detention. Harry enjoyed the last few moments of his life as Snape took his break.

Snape turned this way and that way, but still he could not locate the cause of the noise. He shrugged it off, assuming that it was just Peeves causing trouble again. He turned back to go in his room, rubbing his hands together greedily at the thought of tormenting Potter. Oh, how he'd wanted to try out that potion…

His face fell and he froze in place, taking in the scene before him. His precious potion lay untouched on the counter, and Potter's seat was glaringly empty. His hands clenched into fists, he had been so close, so close! Harry was within his very grasp, but- yet again- he had slipped through.

His fist clenched as his greasy brow furrowed in frustration. The corner of his lip wreathed itself into a snarl. "You'll pay for this, Potter. One way or another, you'll pay."

However, Harry and his friends were too far away to hear Snape's threat. They were already halfway back to the Great Hall, running for their lives yet laughing uproariously the entire way.

XXXXXXX

Draco had never been encouraged to share his feelings. Most of his childhood had been spent under the cold, heartless eye of his father. If he wasn't reading a book trying to learn some impossible spell, then he was being punished for the test that he'd failed. Among all of this, there was no room for "family bonding." He had never tried to control or understand his emotions, he'd just let them fly free as he always had. Why attempt to understand something that would change within the next few days anyways?

It was because of this attitude that Draco now felt slightly awkward and out of place. He'd snuck up to the astronomy tower, and, due to his adept ability of breaking the rules, this was no reason for him to be nervous or stressed. Yet, despite this, his hands were clammy, his breathing was staggered.

Draco shook his head. It was ridiculous what this woman could do to him without even trying.

"There's the big dipper," Hermione said distractedly. Her gaze was lifted upward, eyes already tracing out the thousands of constellations and systems above her. Merlin only knew what sorts of things she knew about the cosmos, what sort of obscure facts were racing through her brilliant mind. He knew that she was trying to piece the mysteries together, trying to compact the complex universe into a single concept.

After a moment, Hermione noticed that stargazing seemed to hold no appeal for Draco. He sat against a stone wall on the floor, elbows resting on his knees. He hadn't moved since he'd arrived, content to simply watch her. He didn't understand what force pulled him to her, he didn't understand why he felt connected to her in a way that he'd never known. But he knew that trying to resist this grip was like trying to resist the gravity of the cosmos. It simply wasn't done.

"Would you like to see?" Hermione asked experimentally.

Draco shrugged. "Stargazing was never really my thing. I don't understand why you get so much enjoyment out of it."

Hermione leaned away from her perch at the wall, gazing at Draco thoughtfully. "In all honesty, I'm not sure. I think, for me, it's a way of reminding me that I don't always have to have all the answers. There's a world that's completely beyond my reach, beyond my understanding, no matter how much I study it. It tells me that sometimes, it's okay to not understand. It reminds me that there's something bigger than me in this world."

Draco's eyes bore into hers.

"Despite the vast, enormous space, seeing all of those bright stars looking right back at me makes me feel like I'm not so lost and alone."

Hermione looked down awkwardly, uncomfortable with maintaining eye contact for so long. Draco languidly stood up, surprising Hermione. He walked over to her, a black shadow slithering in an even darker corridor. What sort of secrets lurked in that darkness, what sort of past was he hiding from the rest of the world?

He reached her and gazed up as well, trying to find the security in the winking lights that Hermione found. The winking stars seemed to mock him every time he looked for something more than just simple light. No, comfort did not come that easily for Draco Malfoy.

Hermione interrupted his thoughts. "So, um, Draco, about today…"

Immediately Draco was plunged back into reality. She wanted answers, of course she did. The fact that they were gazing at stars didn't negate the reality that Hermione Granger needed to know the truth.

Draco took a deep breath and turned to face her. She didn't look upset or impatient, merely curious. He took this as a good sign.

"Right, about today. I knew that as soon as I learned your greatest fear, I would help you conquer it, no matter what it was. I was shocked when I realized exactly what your greatest fear was, and I had to get creative when it came to helping you. I… I had Potter and Weasley steal all the toilet paper so that you would be stranded, and so that I would have an opportunity to save you."

Hermione furrowed her brow in thought. "So, you orchestrated this entire episode, just for a chance to save me?"

Draco finally understood what it felt like to wish that the ground would open up and swallow him. "Yes. That is correct."

He anxiously read her expressions, gaging her reaction, and a small sigh of relief spread through him when he saw the corner of her mouth tilt up in a smile. Aside from being taunted for the rest of his life, no other traumatizing punishment awaited him.

"I suppose I should be furious that you put me through such an ordeal, but I can't help but be flattered that you went so far just to reach me." Hermione said with a glimmer of light in her eyes.

Draco didn't quite smile (Malfoys were conditioned against showing such forms of emotion), but his features softened considerably at her words. "I couldn't just ask you out, Hermione. No, you deserved more than that. You deserved to know how serious I am about this, and how determined I am to make it work. I wanted it to be more important than just a trip to the movies and some awkward hand-holding. I wanted to show you that despite who I was in the past, you can feel safe with me."

"Draco…" She whispered his name like a prayer as her fingers gracefully brushed a lock of golden hair out of his eyes. He closed his eyes at the contact. The gesture was so pure, so innocent, so blissfully unlike anything he'd ever known before.

Draco fixed his sea-gray eyes on hers. She no longer felt awkward or uneasy looking at him this way, for long periods of time. She could finally look at him and not be deterred by his past, instead believing in the man he could become in the future.

"So did it work?" Draco asked.

Hermione smiled, reaching up again to brush some windswept hair out of his face. "Yeah, Draco. It worked. I know that I'm safe with you."

Almost without thinking, Draco pulled her into his arms. She returned the embrace, neither one of them considering the possible awkward moments they'd receive when they'd tell the rest of the school about them. For now, this was enough for them. The security they found in each other's arms was worth an entire lifetime of tears.

XXXXXXX

Days went by, and still the school talked on and on about the events from that fateful day. No one would ever know the true conspiracies of Alpha Four, Bravo Leader, and Omega Weasel One, but they all saw the effects. Toilet paper was always looked upon with fond memories, Vitamin Water was drunk in Hermione's honor. April 30th was always remembered as the anniversary of the Battle of Paper Commodities. The legend of the Toilet Paper Demon lived on for generations.

And Hermione and Draco? They went on their date, and a few more after that. They have a wedding planned for this August.


End file.
